Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Your penis caused this!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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