And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
