my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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