My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
