New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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