saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
