I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
