Pregnant stripper...not hot.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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