and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
