Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
