My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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