I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
