I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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