just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
