I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
