Have you finally orgasmed yet?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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