I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
