How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
