she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
