I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
being pregnant is like rehab
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
