You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
