your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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