Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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