I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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