I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
