...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
4 words: hood of his car
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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