You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
