around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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