you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
