he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
