I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize