I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
