Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
