thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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