it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
