Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
