Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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