please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
