I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
