you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
