from now on my penis is your penis
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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