I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
