I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
