wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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