I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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