I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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