Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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