Your mouth is God's brothel.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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