The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i already hear my dad disowning me
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
