At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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