why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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