It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
