She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
