I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
one might say we're banned from that church
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
