nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
