At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
