Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
