I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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