the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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