I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
