He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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