Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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