How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
